


Merry Christmas, Hank

by Nova (Roxanne_Kane)



Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: Dealing with Seasonal Depression, Depression, Other, Trigger Warning: depression, trigger warning: mention of suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-26
Updated: 2020-12-26
Packaged: 2021-03-11 00:34:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,552
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28326144
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Roxanne_Kane/pseuds/Nova
Summary: This very short fic deals with Hank's depression, especially around Christmas.Many people battle depression around the holidays, myself included, so I wanted a fic to represent this. Of course, words can't grasp what is going on inside each of us, but I tried. The content is slightly sensitive, so if you don't want to be reading that sort of thing, please don't read this fic.No matter how dark times are right now, they will get better. I know from experience. Hang in there.
Relationships: Hank Anderson & Connor
Kudos: 12





	Merry Christmas, Hank

Hank grabbed a half-empty whisky bottle from his fridge and inspected its contents. He sniffed at the opening and took a gulp. Disgusting. Will get you drunk though. Good enough. 

He closed the fridge and shuffled over to the living room. Colorful lights shone in from the street, throwing strands of yellow, red, blue and green through the curtains into the dark house. 

Way back in the day, Christmas was one of his favorite times: his wife would cook and bake, and the house always smelled amazing. Cole would run around screaming and laughing and the two of them would have snowball fights in the yard. His smile every Christmas morning was the most beautiful thing Hank had ever seen. He remembered being in the living room, sitting on the couch with his wife and drinking hot chocolate (the one time he would drink that instead of coffee) watching their little boy have the time of his life. What wonderful years had lain ahead of them…

The piercing headlights of a passing car ripped Hank from his warm memories into his cold, sobering reality. The room seemed even emptier than it did before. Vast and full of want. Hank took another gulp of whisky. He walked past the living room into the hallway. None of the lights were on, everything was dark and only specks of light dropped in from the street. He went into the bedroom and looked out the window. It seemed like a different world out there. People were walking through the streets, happy, chatting, looking forward to warm homes with warm meals. They couldn’t have been more than fifty feet away, but there might as well have been entire oceans between them. Detached and distant with a yawning emptiness separating him from everyone else. Over eight billion people in the world, but Hank felt like he was the only person on the planet. No one seemed real.

He closed his bedroom door and sank to the floor, his back against his bed, downing the rest of the bottle and waiting for its effects to set in. Drinking had become such a habit that it took a lot more nowadays to get him drunk. Oh well… not like this was his first bottle tonight. 

Finally, the room began to spin, and a bit of the weight lifted off his chest. Hank laid his head back and drank in the dizziness. What a shit time of year. Everyone around him was smiling and happy and rubbing it in his face with their porcelain smiles, pretending life was good and perfect and fun and beautiful. That there was a meaning to it all. To being alive on this Earth, to existing. But Hank knew better. There was no reason or logic or larger plan. You get born and at some point, you die. That’s it. Everything else is just chance and circumstance. There is no point. No meaning. Shit just happens. And that’s all there is to it. Just pain… and sometimes the absence of it.

A tear rolled down Hank’s cheek as his thoughts swayed back to Cole. He had lost so much. He had lost everything. Why was he even still around? 

“Because I’m too big of a coward to take the easy way out”, Hank muttered to himself. “I have my own gun… An’ bullets. But… I just can’t do it.”

His head sank into his hands. How was he supposed to go on? There was nothing to be had out there, no one who understood, to push out the void, to keep the heart-wrenching pain away. Does this bottomless pit of unrelenting darkness ever stop? Does it even go away when you die? What was death anyway, other than leaving this stupid realm of material mass? Maybe things were better on the other side. One day, Hank would find out…

“But not today”, Hank grunted. He grabbed the bedpost and clumsily pulled himself up. Somewhere in this room he had hidden another bottle. But where was it…? It was hard to concentrate when your thoughts slipped away from you and room just wouldn’t stop spinning. Hank stumbled and caught himself on the windowsill. His weary gaze fell on an overflowing clothing hamper next to the closet. Ah, right. 

He fell to his knees and started digging around beneath the clothes until he felt glass clink against his fingernails. “There we go”, Hank mumbled. He pulled out the bottle only to see that there was also almost nothing left in it. Dammit, his stash was dwindling. Whatever, gonna drink this first and then look for more. 

He put the bottle to his lips and drank in large gulps, draining everything. That was the stuff. His head got thick and hazy; anything going on inside of him was quieter now with this amount of poison in his system. Perfect. Numb was just the place he wanted to be. He slid down the wall until he laid flat on his back, gazing up at the ceiling. The colorful lights from the house next door danced on the fan and made Hank even dizzier. It was hard keeping his eyes open when everything felt fuzzy and heavy. A nap seemed good right about now…

*

“Hank?”

A hand gripped his shoulder as he was lightly shaken. 

“Hank?”

That voice seemed familiar. And annoying. Who disturbed his Christmas coma? That’s just rude. 

With all the strength he could muster, Hank wrenched open one eyelid, looking at the person bothering him. He looked into brown eyes and a delicate brow that was furrowed into a worried expression. A white LED blinked on the side of his head. 

“Are you alright, Hank?”, Connor asked, mustering the lieutenant. “When I came home you were lying here on the floor in a comatose state. I was worried about your health.”

Hank swatted Connor’s hand away. “Get off me”, he grunted. “You saw me lyin’ here… Why not le’ me alone? Can’t get any peace ‘round here…”. It was still hard forming coherent sentences, but Connor seemed to get the gist. That didn’t stop him though.

“Come on, let’s get you up”, Connor insisted. He grabbed Hank beneath the arms and pulled him into a sitting position, leaning him against the wall. Hank grunted in discontent but couldn’t stop the android from doing what he was doing. 

“Le’ me alone”, he spat, waving his arms violently, “Jus’ gimme some peace!”

“Hank…”, Connor’s tone dropped. He seemed genuinely concerned about the state his friend was in at the moment. The android kneeled down in front of him and folded his hands on his lap. He seemed to be searching for words before he found the courage to speak.

“Hank”, he began again, “I know this time of year is hard on you. I see how you change and what kind of person you become, and I admit I didn’t understand at first. Even after extensive online research I still felt like I couldn’t get a grasp on your situation, until…”

“Oh, fer Godssake, Connor, shut up”, Hank blurbed. “Whattaya want?”

“I just want to be here for you, Hank.”

Connor looked the lieutenant in the eyes. He was looking for an opening, any sign that Hank would accept his help or at least his company. It hurt Connor to see his friend suffer like this and there was nothing he could do about it.

Hank cleared his throat. His head still felt thick and heavy, but he could think a little better than before. “You don’t understand what this feels like, Connor”, he finally said. “I don’t even know how to tell you what’s going on. Emotions are a complicated thing. It’s just… This time of year, all you can see is families being together and kids playing games outside and everyone is so phucking cheerful it drives you crazy. And it just reminds me of how I don’t have any of that.”

Hank cleared his throat. He was half-expecting the android to say something, but he didn’t. Connor just sat quietly and waited for his friend to speak.

“I used to have that, yanno”, Hank croaked as he thought about Cole. “That’s what makes it worse. I know how those smiling idiots on the street feel because I used to feel like that. But now all I feel is…”

Hank shook his head. All the darkness in his heart was clawing at him, begging to be let out. He wanted to make someone understand. But how could he find words...

“It’s gnawing at you from the inside”, he said, “your chest is so tight, like a cold hand is digging its long nails into your heart and squeezing, never letting go. Some days I barely notice it, and other days I feel like I’m suffocating even though I can breathe. Everything is hopeless and it seems like there is no end to the way I feel, like this abyss in front of me is always lingering. Waiting for me to take one wrong step and fall into its darkness, lost forever. No one else exists around me. I’m just numb and alone.”

Hank scoffed at his own words. They were so stupid and empty, how could a machine understand? Then, he felt something on his hand and realized it was Connor’s. The android had outstretched his hand and laid it on Hank’s. The lieutenant looked up at him, eyes blurry with tears. 

“I exist, Hank”, Connor said quietly. His brown eyes pierced through the semi-darkness and caught Hank’s diluted gaze. “You don’t have to explain yourself to me. I’ll just sit here with you. We don’t need to talk at all… Even if I don’t understand what is happening inside of you, that doesn’t mean I can’t just sit here.”

Tears rolled down Hank’s cheeks and disappeared into his scraggly beard. He hadn’t cried in years, but here on the bedroom floor with the android it felt as if all those years had been pent up inside, crammed into a corner at the back of his chest, until they broke out of him now. He couldn’t hold it back anymore. It felt like Connor had ripped a hole into the dam with his words and now it all came crashing down, pouring out of him through his endless tears. He grabbed Connor’s hand with his and held on tight as to not drown in the floods. His life depended on it. They sat there on the bedroom floor watching Hank’s silent tears and stifled sobs ebb and flow. It felt like years of despair had passed through him until the dam was finally empty. Hank came to and let go of Connor’s hand to wipe the rest of the tears out of his face. He cleared his throat, wringing with his hands, looking anywhere but at the android. 

A certain clarity swept over Hank and he felt his strength returning to him, his thoughts reorganizing. 

“Thanks, Connor”, Hank said quietly. “I… I appreciate what you said.”

“Of course, Hank”, Connor said. “We’re friends.”

Hank looked up at him. “We’re more than that, Connor. I consider you family.”

The white LED on Connor’s temple blinked frantically as Connor smiled at Hank. It was a type of smile Hank hadn’t seen in a long time. It made him smile back at the android, washing most of the bad feelings out of him. 

“Come on”, Connor finally said. “Let’s get you up. I have something for you.”

Hank let himself be pulled to his feet. He steadied himself with one hand on his bed as he waited for the dizziness to mellow down. “Ok, well, gimme a minute. I’ll put on something better than my boxers.”

Connor nodded and left the bedroom, closing the door behind him. 

Hank sighed and held his head. He could already feel the massive headache coming on. He’d better get some water in him. And maybe wash his face. 

The lieutenant changed and walked into the hallway. Connor had turned on several lights and put dog food into Sumo’s bowl in the kitchen. The curtains were pulled open and the android was just putting two trays into the warm oven. A large glass of water stood on the table along with two place settings. Confused, Hank sat down at the table and grabbed the water. He downed the entire glass in one go. Ahh, that felt better.

Sumo waddled past Hank toward his food bowl. Hank stretched out his hand and pet the dog as he passed by. “Good dog”, he said quietly.  
Connor turned around and beamed at Hank. He seemed more cheerful than Hank had ever seen him. 

“So”, Connor began, “I know Christmas is a complicated time of year. That’s why I thought it best to keep things simple. Here”, he pointed at the oven, “I’m making two TV dinners for us and I picked out a movie. It’s very old, but I managed to get a copy of it digitally, so we can watch it on your living room television. It’s called “Die Hard”. Have you ever heard of it?”

Hank chuckled. “Have I ever heard of it? That’s an old classic!”

“I see, then I hope you won’t mind us watching it together?”, Connor asked. “I have never seen it, but it seemed appropriate for today. It is about a police officer that has to save a building full of people on Christmas. It’s fairly violent and technically an action movie but has Christmas as a background theme.”

Hank smiled. “It’s perfect, Connor.”

The oven dinged as the timer was up. Connor took out the two trays of food and pulled off the plastic. Steam arose from the fairly good smelling meal as he put it down in front of Hank. 

“Would you like to eat here or in front of the television?”, Connor asked as he got some cutlery. 

“TV sounds good”, Hank said. He took an oven mitt and carried his tray over to the living room table. As Connor did the same and set down his own meal, it dawned on Hank.  
“Uh, Connor, don’t get me wrong, but you don’t eat food, do ya?”, Hank asked confused. “Why’d you get two meals?”

“Oh.” It might have been the light, but Hank was sure he saw Connor blush. “I thought… Well, it is customary to eat together, especially on holidays. So, I got myself a meal as well. Though I will not be eating it, I would like to participate in the custom.”

Hank laughed. That was the funniest and sweetest thing he had ever heard. “That’s fine with me”, he said. He sat down and looked at his TV dinner. He wasn’t hungry but he was going to try the food anyway, for Connor. He looked over at the android and watched him hook up the movie to the TV. He was talking about the actors and the plot of the movie and wondering about how that was not the most logical way to have handled the situation, but that he was interested in seeing the reasoning behind it. Hank wasn’t listening. He was just watching his friend and realized that maybe there was a reason to stick around. This new Christmas tradition seemed pretty damned good. 


End file.
